Wednesday, April 15, 2009

How Not to Write a Sex Scene

Okay, here we go:

Jill gave Keith a whimsical smile. "Busted. What I was trying to say

"Here's your americano, Sir."

Did she have to call me sir?

Jill gave Keith a whimsical smile. "Busted, Sir. What I was trying to say..."

She was interrupted by the door opening

...coffee shop invasion of the Catholic High School girls...

What was I writing about, again? Oh, that's right, the sex scene.

Jill gave Keith a whimsical smile. "Busted, Sir. What I was trying to say..."

She was interrupted by the door opening, and Keith's secretary walked in with a coffee tray, looking like a Catholic High School girl, complete with plaid skirt and

TWEET: This new lacy bra sure looked good but damn it all, the wires just aren't doing it.
less than one minute ago from the web

@writing_hussy Did you have to go there? Someone of us are trying to write.
in reply to @writing_hussy

Yeah! I don't need smut while I am writing smut.

@anthony_hw I got pictures on my blog
in reply to @anthony_hw

Wait... what? Click click click.

@writing_hussy LIAR
in reply to @writing_hussy

@anthony_hw It's like shooting fish in a barrel. ty for the hit! :-p
in reply to @anthony_hw

@writing_hussy ...
in reply to @writing_hussy

Jill gave Keith a whimsical smile. "Busted, Sir. What I was trying to say..."

The door opening interrupted her, and Keith's young secretary walked in with a coffee tray, looking like a Catholic High School girl, complete with plaid skirt and a modest blouse. Only the blouse was unbuttoned to where you could see her lacy bra

Vibrating!

Phone!

At the wrong time!

Anthony: "Hello?"

The Wife Unit: "Could you pick up some half-in-half on your way home?"

"Uh, sure."

"Great! Love you, bye!"

"I love you too!"

Jill gave Keith a whimsical smile. "Busted, Sir. What I was trying to say..."

The door opening interrupted her, and Keith's creamy-skinned young secretary walked in with a coffee tray, looking like a Catholic High School girl, complete with plaid skirt and a modest blouse. Only the blouse was unbuttoned, her black lacy bra obvious.

Jill stood up, feeling silly introducing herself while sitting down. She accidentally knocked open her purse at her feet she forgotten about and the contents spilled onto the floor, including her vibrator.

Keith and the secretary look at the floor, and then her, each with a raised eyebrow.

...and in comes a woman's bicycle club, with painted on tight shorts ...

Jill gave Keith a whimsical smile. "Busted, Sir. What I was trying to say..."

The door opening interrupted her, and Keith's creamy-skinned young secretary walked in with a coffee tray, looking like a Catholic High School girl, complete with plaid skirt and a modest blouse. Only the blouse was unbuttoned at the top, her black lacy bra obvious.

Jill stood up. She always felt silly introducing herself while sitting down, but in doing so, she accidently kicked open her purse and the contents spilled onto the floor, including her vibrator. It rolled across the hardwood, coming to rest against the wall with a small thump.

Then, nightmarishly, it started vibrating, the normal small hum replaced by an angry buzzing from the vibrating plastic on the hardwood.

Keith and the secretary look at the vibrator, and then her, each with a raised eyebrow. Jill blushed, bent over, and shoved the contents back into her purse and fetched the vibrator.

"Wow, you really have a nice ass," they secretary says, setting down the coffee tray with a grin.

"I, uh, ride my bike a lot," Jill said, her face hot, wishing she was somewhere

"Another americano, Sir?" This from a new barista, instead of young, perky and raven-haired, she is now replaced by a young, perky, blonde.

Jill gave Keith a whimsical smile. "Busted, Sir. What I was trying to say..."

The door opening interrupted her, and Keith's creamy-skinned young secretary walked in with a coffee tray, looking like a Catholic High School girl, complete with plaid skirt and a modest blouse. Only the blouse was unbuttoned at the top, her black lacy bra obvious.

Jill stood up. She always felt silly introducing herself while sitting down, but in doing so, she accidentally kicked open her purse and the contents spilled onto the floor, including her vibrator. It rolled across the hardwood, coming to rest against the wall with a small thump.

Then, nightmarishly, it started vibrating, the normal small hum replaced by an angry buzzing from the vibrating plastic on the hardwood.

Keith and the secretary looked at the vibrator, and then her, each with a raised eyebrow. Jill blushed, bent over, and shoved the contents back into her purse and fetched the vibrator.

"Wow, you really have a nice ass," they secretary says, setting down the coffee tray with a grin.

"I, uh, ride my bike a lot," Jill said, her face hot, wishing she was somewhere else.

Jill looks up from her laptop, and notices the shop is growing dark because the barista is letting down the blinds.

"Oh, I am sorry; I didn't know you were closing!" Jill stood up and started cramming Keith's damn report into her laptop case.

"Actually, I closed ten minutes ago," she said, her voice creamy, with a hint of...

Jill startles as the barista grabs her wrist. She looks up and the blonde's eyes are hungry. The barista has hungry eyes.

"I see the way you look at me sometimes," she said, pulling Jill close and kissing her.

Jill can't believe she is being kissed! The sudden hand on her butt spurs her into action, and she pushes the barista away. "Wait, I'm not..."

The blonde latches back onto her with surprising strength. "Do you want some sugar with your espresso?" she asks, while slowly sliding down Jill's body, hand suddenly up her skirt, tugging at

Damn it! I have to STOP coming here to write!

Jill looks up from her laptop, and notices the room is growing dark because the barista is letting down the blinds.

"Oh, I am sorry; I didn't know you were closing!" Jill stood up and started cramming Keith's damn report into her laptop case.

"Actually, I closed ten minutes ago," she said, her voice creamy, with a hint of...

Jill startles as the barista grabs her wrist. She looks up and the blonde's eyes are hungry. The barista has hungry eyes.

"I see the way you look at me sometimes," she said, pulling Jill close and kissing her.

Jill can't believe she is being kissed! The sudden hand on her butt spurs her into action, and she pushes the barista away. "Wait, I'm not..."

The blonde latches back onto her with surprising strength. "Do you want some sugar with your espresso?" she asks, while slowly sliding down Jill's body hand suddenly up her skirt, tugging at

Jill gave Keith a whimsical smile. "Busted. What I was trying to say is yes, I skimmed your report, but I promise to give you feedback soon."

Keith frowned. "I need your input tonight, or it will be too late. How about we meet for coffee, say at eight at the late-night espresso bar downstairs?"

It was Jill's turn to frown. Was this another ploy from Keith to get under her skirt?

"Okay, deal," she finally says. What trouble could she get in at the coffee shop, anyway?

10 comments:

  1. LOL!!! That was highly entertaining, and a great example of how to not write a sex scene. I was on the edge of my seat the whole time. :D

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  2. *Hysterical laughter* That was just what I needed to get through hump day! Ooops, was that a totally inappropriate pun that just fell out of my mouth? But really, great post. Terribly amusing, and yet, completely true.
    To me, there is nothing worse than a badly written sex scene, and there are SO many bad ways to write a sex scene, and SO many books out there that have badly written sex scenes.
    I might be picky in what I consider a well written sex scene, but to me it's not about the sex in the scene, so much as the scene with the sex in it. You know? There are a million reasons why characters might get romatically involved with each other, from just finding someone to be smoking hot, to seeing within them a 'soul mate' but if it's lost in translation, it becomes cheap, badly written, porn to me. As for writing sex scenes myself, well, suffice to say I write scenes with sex in them more than sex scenes...

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  3. Well done! I'll keep this in mind for my next sex scene - coffee, coffee, coffee!

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  4. Well done Anthony. That was a hoot. I say that also because for me, this is my greatest writing fear. The dreaded sex scene.

    I actually had to do one, well sort of, in my last novel, and it was one of the hardest things I have ever had to do. Did I work really hard to make sure it didn't come out contrived? I'll let you be the judge.

    The scene involves a bookish, frumpy, mid forties, woman who's seduced by a dark haired, tanned, muscled, mid twenties, square jawed Marine who needs information from her.

    Do you see how hard I was working to make sure it wasn't going to come off as unbelievable? I'm still not convinced I was able to pull it off, but we'll find out someday when an editor gets hold of it.

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  5. I was cracking up the whole time. You are truly an entertaining writer. Well written and well done!

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  6. Douglas,

    The scenario you presented sounds plausible if the Marnie in question had a genuine interest in books and is wise in the ways of plying a woman with booze.

    :-p

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  7. Thank you everyone for your kind words (blush).

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  8. You've totally ruined my next trip to Starbucks...but in a good way (I think).....

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  9. Hilarious. Now I'm not sure I ever want to write a serious sex scene. :)

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  10. Tojosan,

    Inadvertently, sex is funny. It even has funny noises.

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